Saturday, November 3, 2007

Branch A: Purple Days Warrior

Branch A: Purple Days Warrior

This book begins, like all others of its kind, with a warning that boils down to a string of incoherent madness.

If I have so much damn sway in this story, maybe it would give me options to blast my companions, slaughter all the space elves on Treeforia IV, and sip Hemmingway Daquiris on the shores of the purple oceans of some other planet with a stupid name. No Such Luck. The good news is that the book says the protagonist is talented and smart. The bad news is that this book is a filthy liar. In any event, this page serves no purpose other than to make focused lasers sound awesome. Those planets had it coming, I tell you what.

Oh, that wacky Evil Power Master and his ring explosions. Apparently, his business is blowing up planets for kicks, and business is good. Already he blows up two planets on the first two pages and claims responsibility. The book can toot your horn about being awesome and having an awesome Martian companion (spoiler: Flppto is not awesome ), but you don't have a damn focused laser for exploding planets, now do you?

Wait... wait... hold up. What the-

What the hel-

(Giant version above)

Evil Power Master Photoshop Checklist:

  • Avatar Sized Picture
  • Growing Picture
  • Evil Power Master's Face on Other People's Bodies
  • Evil Power Master Eating Things
  • Edit pictures of real people to look like the Evil Power Master (damnit, don't just submit a straight up picture of Dick Cheney, I've seen people probated for that, and Yes, I'm aware of the irony of it all)
  • Animated Picture of Evil Power Master (dancing Evil Power Master head)
  • Humorous Caption for Evil Power Master

...Right, back to the point. The intro page was clearly made because no one would be able to coherently read page 2. The summary is "The Lacoonian System is full of idiots". And the Evil Power Master continues to be awesome. For next update, please think of other fun ways the Evil Power Master could destroy planets.

Purple... Days... War. No wonder the EPM is trying to butcher these morons. And what are your brilliant plans, commander? Call in the (single) spaceship to go investigate it personally? Or get Congress involved? You all know how I feel about Congress, folks!


Silhana said...

I say we go to the sector.

Matthew said...

I think the first page is missing, or rather there is a weird message instead of the page...

Deceased Crab said...

Refresh your Cache if you can't see the pictures.

Derakon said...

Looks like one of your images (first page of actual story text) got nuked by a no-hotlinking policy.

Also, I nominate "eaten by asexually-reproducing vorpal gerbils" as the next planet killer.

DarkMatt said...

You know what this reminds me of...with it's totally wacked out story line?


Anonymous said...

Hmm...ways to destroy a planet...

-Call out "Umbrella" too many times
-Collect all of the Tetrads.
-Use Ancient Aztec Lazers.
-Misuse the Moon Crystal

Tom said...

So let's see... If you get congress involved, it will call attention to the whole thing, but IF YOU GO ALONE TAKE THIS. *holds up a wooden sword*

So um, take the sword, er, I mean don't get involved in politics.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I forgot to mention it before *between misusing the moon crystal and Aztec lasers*, but it looks like the Evil Power Master is about to chow down on that planet.

Mmm...delicious planet...

Anthony said...

You should add some epic music to go with these posts.