Saturday, November 17, 2007

Branch S: Spacecraft Swarm

Alright folks, I hope you're prepared for this one. It's going to get messy. When we last left off, we had a choice between weapons or no weapons. Because it is my nature, we will charge in there, guns blazing.

Oh, who am I kidding. Every time we come up with a good idea, the book defeats us with some form of stupidity. This is like playing a game of D&D with a DM who breaks all the game rules in the interest of weaving a complicated narrative ripped straight from his bad Sailor Moon fanfiction.

Rendoxoll joins the party! Game over.

Ending AV:

Type: Non-Ending/What-The-Hell

Well. Let's not do that. Clearly, it's just Rendoxoll, so if we decide not to be armed, it will still be Rendoxoll, right? Well, this book doesn't feel compelled to use logic, but we'll try it anyway.

Thankfully (???), it's just Rendoxoll. Here's an entire page about how awesome Rendoxoll is supposed to be, and how the Commander has pictures of Rendoxoll all over his bedroom. What it fails to mention is that Rendoxoll really hid because he was tired of the Commander stalking him and exposing himself. Brilliant AI Robot didn't need to see that, Commander.

Hahaha, wow. Look at that grin. What a jerk. Not only is he better than us at, well, everything, but he's snide about it too. Wearing these novelty eyeglasses that look like giant letters reading "Checkpoint Reached", we're sure to find the Evil Power Master in this crowd, and look like idiots. Novelty eyeglasses for everybody!

"NO!", shouts the Evil Power Master, as several droids hold hands and encircle him in a peace ring or hug or some other touchy-feely crap. The electro-hug defeats the unstoppable evil of the Power Master, and you throw him into zero gravity, hoping that will hold him.

Ending AW:

Type: Victory

Well folks, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that we caught the Evil Power Master again. The bad news is that was the last victory ending in the whole book, and we still have 9 endings left to go.
Let the good times roll! Landing was stupid. Landing made us see Rendoxoll. We're gonna reconnoiter instead.

You float around the dumb spaceship for three hours, giving the inhabitants plenty of time to scramble a swarm of spacecraft to encircle us, and laugh at us, and make fun of the Commander (and his Mother).

Now we're talkin! We can (AH) Shoot Everybody, or (AI) Don't Shoot Everybody. Don't pick AI, because I hated that movie.

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 21
Non-Endings: AV BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AG AR AT AW
Failure Endings: P Q AA AB AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q AA AB AP AS BA BC BD

What-The-Hell Endings: P AA AG AN BA BE BG AV

Branch AF: Good Riddance to Hard Man

When we last left off, we were about to fly into a bright white light. Suddenly, we are struck with our usual amount of cowardice, and attempt to run for it.

Oh boy. We got hit with a Slow Ray/Tractor Beam/Wilford Brimley. Just what we needed. We're not getting enough Oxygen to begin with, making us stupid, and now they're going to lower that, making us even dumber than before.
Meet Rendoxoll, another companion from the Purple Days War. Rendoxoll is a highly intelligent AI in this story. As such, he will be dumb as toast, because he is in this book. He fires slow rays at people and giggles to himself for fun.

Unfortunately, he's still way more competent than we are. He caught the Evil Power Master, and stole his Evil Power Hat. Now he just looks silly. Rendoxoll makes us look like an idiot, but hey, if the shoe fits.

Ending AG:
Type: Victory/What-The-Hell

Well, if we run like cowards, we get a good ending (there's only one left in the book now). But maybe if we press bravely forward, we will find other rewards!

I wonder what system he's talking about, the fate of which is in our hands; I would guess the Dewey Decimal System.
Meanwhile, Hard Man goes maverick and dashes away from the capsule as if he knows exactly what's going on. Stupid robot. There's no accounting for his incredibly stupid behavior over the course of the book and frankly I'm glad we're rid of him.

The mystery continues! We're going outside to investigate, With Weapons (AV) or Without (AW)!

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 19
Non-Endings: BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AG AR AT
Failure Endings: P Q AA AB AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q AA AB AP AS BA BC BD

What-The-Hell Endings: P AA AG AN BA BE BG

Branch R: White Landing

Sure, let's land on an unknown Death Star looking thing. Why not.

Let's land in a potentially dangerous spaceship... oh no! There's white light in there! I'm scared of the white light! Weep weep cry cry!

I hate Flppto so much. And the Commander. Well, here's yet another choice. Do we (AF) Land in a white lighted hangar, perhaps lit with florescent lights, or do we (AG) run away because we are scared? At least Hard Man isn't crying like an idiot.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Branch I: Total Lack of Nuclear Devastation

Well, everyone wants to join the Evil Power Master. Not like we have a whole lotta choice here.

What then, Commander? I'll tell you what: We'll transport you into a glass bubble, where you'll find out I'm 3 people with confused expressions, and you will get to stay in the bubble, where we will take over the universe, and play Canasta, for all eternity.

Ending P:
Type: Failure/What-The-Hell

Hmm. That's not so good. I'm terrible at Canasta, I don't even know the rules or correct spelling. Let's defy him.

This surprises no one. And he's right, we're idiots.

Ending Q:
Type: Failure/Death

As much as we wanted to split up with Flppto, that never actually happened. His idea was terrible. Photoshop Flppto getting mauled by bears. Let's override his stupidity and do things our way.

Whoa whoa whoa, whoa... hold up. You mean to tell me the Rapid Force has nuclear devastators and you're leaving them behind? We deserve nothing but failure for this. I mean, we're not even gonna be on our own planet. Why Shouldn't we nuclear devastate the Evil Power Master?

Oh joy... a Death Star. Maybe we could Nuclear Devastate that? Maybe we could turn around, go get the devastators, and then devastate. I'm still angry about leaving those. And these losers want to mill around or land? Forget that. Space is a lawless frontier with inexplicable phenomenon and uncertain motives, where the only true answer to any given problem is Nuclear Devastation. This is a load of poo.

We have two utterly lame choices: Branch R will have us land on the Death Star. Branch S will have us meander around looking at stuff. Neither will initiate nuclear devastation or get Flppto and the droid murdered. This bites.

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 18
Non-Endings: BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: P Q AA AB AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q AA AB AP AS BA BC BD

What-The-Hell Endings: P AA AN BA BE BG

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Branch H: A Dire Choice

This is it folks, the long awaited pictures of Flppto. There he is, the guy in the upper left. What a loser. He wields the power of Gangly. And his amazing plan is to have us fly through space, in a cold vacuum, following Hard Man. Worse, we're actually going to go through with this plan?
We are going to Die.

Yeah. I called that one. Follow this stupid plan, get attacked by Light. A beam of Light. Photon Cannon or some jazz like that. The good news is that Hard Man and Flppto are going to die. The bad news is that we might, too.

A dire choice is proposed! Do we (Branch P) concede defeat and join the Evil Power Master as a lackey, or (Branch Q) refuse his offer, and surely die?

Branch D: Tracking the Void Beam

That's a lie. That's a terrible spaceship, a terrible droid, and worse, a terrible Martian. They're going to shoot us into the empty space of a void. Is anyone else getting worried?

Martians are like vulcans I guess, except they're impulsive and useless morons (much like the Commander). Flppto is actually recommending we split up. This is a pretty good idea, because it means we'll have less Flppto to deal with. On the other hand, we could override his suggestion and maybe make him unhappy. That's also a pretty good idea. This is a win-win scenario! Well, it would be, except I doubt there are any victory endings at the end of either path.

Do we (H) Leave Flppto to his own devices and split up or (I) make Flppto continue to suffer our company?

Keep in mind that Android Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Branch B: Thoughtless Speed

Travel by speed of thought, from point A to point B, for the Commander and Flppto takes 27 minutes. I just want you to think about that for a minute. Speed of thought for most people is pretty fast. If we could think ourselves to another location, it'd be pretty snappy. But it takes these idiots 27 minutes. Therein lies our problem. Also, the Commander can't even do it right without breaking something. He probably connected his spleen to his throat. It's a wonder the fool is even still alive.

Faaantastic. The last time we followed a beam of light anywhere, it turned out to be an Old-Beam that kills us instantly. How about you go first, Sartan.

Sadly enough, we have to venture to (D) The Void or Niro, or (E) Follop. Choose wisely, as each of these branches takes up an entire quarter of the book. We're gonna be there a while before we get to the other one. And maybe this time the places won't kill us instantly.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Branch ???: Halftime

When we last left off, we had shot Flppto. This is a wonderful ending in and of itself, but unfortunately it is not an ending. No, now we have to endure another page no matter what we decide.

Instead of fleeing back to headquarters, we attempt to give Flppto a patch job and keep exploring. So naturally, we are captured within seconds. And we have a healthy dose of resolve and willpower. It doesn't, however, change the fact that we have failed utterly and that the story has abruptly stopped. Worse, Flppto lives.

Ending BG:
Type: Non-Ending/Failure/What-The-Hell

That bites. Let's try the other ending, maybe Flppto will die this time.

You drag Flppto back to base. He calls you a jerk. The recon teams scare off the Evil Power Master and he gets away. Worst. Commander. Ever.

Ending BF:
Type: Non-Ending/Failure

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 16
Non-Endings: BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AA AB AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: AA AB AP AS BA BC BD

What-The-Hell Endings: AA AN BA BE BG

And we're at the halfway mark! 16 out of 30 endings are complete, and the book is half over! Next time, we answer the question... what if we didn't bother with Congress at all, and went to Sector 31-47-89?

The second half of the book will bring us exciting new aggravations, insipid characters with uninspired writing, and the worst picture in the entire book.

Branch AZ: Unbridled Glee

Well, clearly we should wait and see what happens here. No sense in shooting, we might not hit Flppto.

Surprising no one, if we wait and see what causes the noise, it turns out to be nothing. This book is dynamic in a fashion guaranteed to punch you in the face no matter what happens. Speaking of being punched in the face, here are some inexplicable mutant horrors, because that's what Marine Biology is all about.

Oh boy. It's Flppto. Come to join us just in time to die. Good. And then suddenly, all this plot that was built up means nothing and another planet dies. We die, possibly. They don't die, probably. And none of this makes any damned sense at all.

Ending AZ:
Type: Failure/Death/What-The-Hell

Well. That was dumb. Why did they even bother with the mutant horrors. How did we even die? Whatever. Let's shoot and hope we hit Flppto this time.
Christmas has come early. We have waited for this moment all LP. We finally shot Flppto. This is amazing. Words cannot express how happy this makes me. Please draw your best "Commander Shooting Flppto" picture you can. I realize we haven't run across a good picture of Flppto yet (they're all in the other half of the book) but do it anyway.
We just shot Flppto. Hell yes. We have a couple options here. We could (BF) get Flppto a medical Evac, which is stupid, and I will hate you if you pick this, or (BG) apply a tourniquet to his neck and move onward, hoping our shoddy first aid gets him killed.

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 14
Non-Endings: BB BE
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AA AB AN AP AS BA BC BD
Death Endings: AA AB AP AS BA BC BD

What-The-Hell Endings: AA AN BA BE

Branch AO: Friend or Foe

Pfft, we can handle this on our own, surely.

Well, we're definitely in the right place at least. It's got the voice of Tara, refusing surrender (instead of shooting someone, so she is wasting time). It has secret access corridors everywhere and not so many fish. But best yet, robots. It's got robots, but they're not colored in. Maybe you guys could color in this picture.

Here are those three sketchy marine biologists again. They are up to no good. They too are wasting time. And so are we, for just watching them and not shooting them. We're lame.

At last the Evil Power Master is revealed, and so is our location, because we are a big stupid idiot. Instead of killing us, we get to watch as our precious Lacoon system is destroyed. Why aren't they killing us, anyway? Dolts.

Ending AN:
Type: Failure/What-The-Hell

That didn't go so well. Looks like we ought to call Flppto.
Convinced we're too useless and pathetic to do this on our own, we have to summon Flppto to help us. The Commander has self-esteem issues, issues which can only be rectified through the magic of Thunderdome. Two man enter, one man leave. This book needs more Thunderdome, because it has none.

We, on the other hand, have another ridiculous decision. Do we (AZ) Shoot at what is probably Flppto (Oh please say yes) or do we (BA) Wait and See (and Die)?

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 13
Non-Endings: BB BE
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AA AB AN AP AS BC BD
Death Endings: AA AB AP AS BC BD

What-The-Hell Endings: AA AN BE

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Branch X: More Lying to Marine Biologists

Because this is clearly Knight Boat, we will be unstoppable if we use it to escape, until we get to land (when we will use a canal, fjord, or inlet to progress).

We escape from the Marine Biology Stronghold of Evil only to create a protracted siege situation later. The Evil Power Master escapes, and the Commander is an idiot. The book ends, nothing resolved.

Ending BB:
Type: Non-Ending

That blows. Let's hide under the dock instead.
We're captured. Everyone gives up because it turns out we were the only person with a spine in the entire star system (lotta invertebrate species here) and they have no will of their own. The Evil Power Master wins. We do not win because we are a skeleton. Skeletons are never winners.

We need a series of Public Service Announcement posters with pictures of skeletons with captions or people pointing at them announcing "You're no Winner!".

Ending BC:
Type: Failure/Death

Clearly sitting at the table while Marc goes and commits nefarious deeds of Marine Biology was a mistake. Smalltalk over coffee only leads to failure and death. Let's try to follow Mark, belatedly.
Clearly we forgot about the terror of the Marine Biology gang initiation rites. Strange things can happen at a Fish Institute, like fish swimming around. Doesn't get stranger than that. Maybe they're growing Metroid. Maybe they're trying to breed the Evil Power Master a Metroid large enough for him to wear as a hat.

Decision Time! Let's follow Marc (AN) or let's cry and weep and call Flppto for help because he's clearly more competent than we are (AO).

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 10
Non-Endings: BB BE
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AA AB AP AS BC BD
Death Endings: AA AB AP AS BC BD

What-The-Hell Endings: AA BE