Saturday, November 3, 2007

Branch G: Team of Tara

Well, we'll be back here soon enough. For the moment, let's take Tara with us. Surely she won't be totally useless and serve no purpose other than a sounding board.

Whoa whoa whoa... hold up. Both the Evil Power Master and an unnamed terrorist group in the capital were involved in the Purple Days War... and you self-congratulatory morons didn't think to link the two together until now? I hope the two of them get mauled by bears. Space Bears.

It's the Space Passion of the Space Savior right here. You just floated up some damn ugly Space Stairs to find a Commodore 64 with a menacing message, complete with paper tape printer material. Watch them somehow use LOGOWriter to save the day. Damn turtle!

Unit 2A was fired for low morale. I can't imagine what the original drafts of this takeover plan looked like... maybe you can. So it seems our choices are "Stay Here and hope they come back" or "Disable the killing-us guy". Branch N or Branch O. Take your pick!

Branch C: Congressional Hearings

Now, I'll be totally honest here: I wouldn't refer to the Evil Power Master as an old friend. I would call him "Psychotic Malcontent", "Focused Laser User", or "Hungry Hungry Hatemonger". And I don't think talking to this congress was such a good idea after all... look at em. There's the flying guy, the tall guy, and some liquid-balls-with-eyes things floating around. These guys couldn't agree on a hat on Hat Day, much less how to deal with an enemy as deadly as the Evil Power Master.

I wish the United States congress would say "There is no time to think. There is only time to act." more often; I would be able to get away with punching them in the face more often. So instead of making a reasonable search for the guy, you're going to follow your hunches and look for him on Lacoos, a planet likely to get blown up. When they find him, it's probably just going to be a transceiver radio wearing a tophat and monocle.

Questions to consider: How do you believe the Evil Power Master will decide what the third planet to disappear shall be? Also, we're going to need a picture of a transceiver radio wearing a tophat and monocle.

Are we going to face this menace without Tara's help (F) or invite her along (G)? Please keep in mind that both answers will result with insipid dialogue.

Branch A: Purple Days Warrior

Branch A: Purple Days Warrior

This book begins, like all others of its kind, with a warning that boils down to a string of incoherent madness.

If I have so much damn sway in this story, maybe it would give me options to blast my companions, slaughter all the space elves on Treeforia IV, and sip Hemmingway Daquiris on the shores of the purple oceans of some other planet with a stupid name. No Such Luck. The good news is that the book says the protagonist is talented and smart. The bad news is that this book is a filthy liar. In any event, this page serves no purpose other than to make focused lasers sound awesome. Those planets had it coming, I tell you what.

Oh, that wacky Evil Power Master and his ring explosions. Apparently, his business is blowing up planets for kicks, and business is good. Already he blows up two planets on the first two pages and claims responsibility. The book can toot your horn about being awesome and having an awesome Martian companion (spoiler: Flppto is not awesome ), but you don't have a damn focused laser for exploding planets, now do you?

Wait... wait... hold up. What the-

What the hel-

(Giant version above)

Evil Power Master Photoshop Checklist:

  • Avatar Sized Picture
  • Growing Picture
  • Evil Power Master's Face on Other People's Bodies
  • Evil Power Master Eating Things
  • Edit pictures of real people to look like the Evil Power Master (damnit, don't just submit a straight up picture of Dick Cheney, I've seen people probated for that, and Yes, I'm aware of the irony of it all)
  • Animated Picture of Evil Power Master (dancing Evil Power Master head)
  • Humorous Caption for Evil Power Master

...Right, back to the point. The intro page was clearly made because no one would be able to coherently read page 2. The summary is "The Lacoonian System is full of idiots". And the Evil Power Master continues to be awesome. For next update, please think of other fun ways the Evil Power Master could destroy planets.

Purple... Days... War. No wonder the EPM is trying to butcher these morons. And what are your brilliant plans, commander? Call in the (single) spaceship to go investigate it personally? Or get Congress involved? You all know how I feel about Congress, folks!

Let's wage War against the Evil Power Master!

Let's Play War With The Evil Power Master!

...dude, this is not an NES game. This isn't even a videogame. What the hell is this?
It's a Choose Your Own Adventure book. At certain pages, you make a decision and that changes the next page you go to. This allows you to direct the story as you want, to one of thirty endings.

Did you say 30 endings?
Yes. 30 endings. All of varying type and quality. You'll see.

Are you going to LP the whole book?
Perhaps. It depends on if people get bored with it. I'll probably get around to most of it, and try to keep it enjoyable enough that we do the whole thing.

Why LP this particular Choose Your Own Adventure book? Why not another? How did it come to this pass?
When I learned about the existence of this book, I had to read it. I didn't get past page 3 before cracking up in laughter. This book defies reason and sanity. The illustrations are god awful. Nothing can possibly prepare you for how utterly screwed up this book is.

Who is the Evil Power Master?
The Evil Power Master is the leader of the forces of evil, scourge of the Lacoon galaxy. It is your job to stop him, because you failed to do it previously. You have the assistance of Flppto, the 6 eye'd martian, a variety of useless associates, and a decent amount of military grade hardware to stop him. Also, a decent amount of political sway.

How will this LP work?
This is a Screenshot (of a book) LP. No video involved... yet. There might be. Each update (I might do two a day, depending, or perhaps more), I will present our current situation as chosen by the last branch, point out where the next branch is, and then in the next update we'll take one of the paths of the next branch. Sometimes our path will lead us to an ending, rather than a branch. In the event we stumble on one of the 30 endings, we will simply explore that ending, categorize it (there are many, many, screwed up endings), and then I will return us to the next unchosen branch (all branches are binary), and we'll explore the road traveled if we chose that. So we might see up to three endings in a single update, depending on where you guys choose to go. We'll never backtrack in a fashion that seals off a part of the story... lucky (?) for you.

How will you decide which branch to take?
Good question. I'll probably flip a coin.

DC, how can you hope to keep our enthusiasm and momentum going over a BOOK?
You've clearly never read War With The Evil Power Master before.

What music did you listen to when you wrote this post?
Empire - The Final Assault. Duh.

I'm scared... I don't know what to expect... but...
-But it's time to begin. Yes... Let's Play... War With the Evil Power Master! The War Begins!