Branch H: A Dire Choice

This is it folks, the long awaited pictures of Flppto. There he is, the guy in the upper left. What a loser. He wields the power of Gangly. And his amazing plan is to have us fly through space, in a cold vacuum, following Hard Man. Worse, we're actually going to go through with this plan?
We are going to Die.




Yeah. I called that one. Follow this stupid plan, get attacked by Light. A beam of Light. Photon Cannon or some jazz like that. The good news is that Hard Man and Flppto are going to die. The bad news is that we might, too.

A dire choice is proposed! Do we (Branch P) concede defeat and join the Evil Power Master as a lackey, or (Branch Q) refuse his offer, and surely die?

Branch D: Tracking the Void Beam

That's a lie. That's a terrible spaceship, a terrible droid, and worse, a terrible Martian. They're going to shoot us into the empty space of a void. Is anyone else getting worried?




Martians are like vulcans I guess, except they're impulsive and useless morons (much like the Commander). Flppto is actually recommending we split up. This is a pretty good idea, because it means we'll have less Flppto to deal with. On the other hand, we could override his suggestion and maybe make him unhappy. That's also a pretty good idea. This is a win-win scenario! Well, it would be, except I doubt there are any victory endings at the end of either path.

Do we (H) Leave Flppto to his own devices and split up or (I) make Flppto continue to suffer our company?

Keep in mind that Android Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.

Branch B: Thoughtless Speed

Travel by speed of thought, from point A to point B, for the Commander and Flppto takes 27 minutes. I just want you to think about that for a minute. Speed of thought for most people is pretty fast. If we could think ourselves to another location, it'd be pretty snappy. But it takes these idiots 27 minutes. Therein lies our problem. Also, the Commander can't even do it right without breaking something. He probably connected his spleen to his throat. It's a wonder the fool is even still alive.



Faaantastic. The last time we followed a beam of light anywhere, it turned out to be an Old-Beam that kills us instantly. How about you go first, Sartan.

Sadly enough, we have to venture to (D) The Void or Niro, or (E) Follop. Choose wisely, as each of these branches takes up an entire quarter of the book. We're gonna be there a while before we get to the other one. And maybe this time the places won't kill us instantly.

Branch ???: Halftime

When we last left off, we had shot Flppto. This is a wonderful ending in and of itself, but unfortunately it is not an ending. No, now we have to endure another page no matter what we decide.

Instead of fleeing back to headquarters, we attempt to give Flppto a patch job and keep exploring. So naturally, we are captured within seconds. And we have a healthy dose of resolve and willpower. It doesn't, however, change the fact that we have failed utterly and that the story has abruptly stopped. Worse, Flppto lives.

Ending BG:
Type: Non-Ending/Failure/What-The-Hell



That bites. Let's try the other ending, maybe Flppto will die this time.


You drag Flppto back to base. He calls you a jerk. The recon teams scare off the Evil Power Master and he gets away. Worst. Commander. Ever.

Ending BF:
Type: Non-Ending/Failure

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 16
Non-Endings: BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AA AB AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: AA AB AP AS BA BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: AA AN BA BE BG

And we're at the halfway mark! 16 out of 30 endings are complete, and the book is half over! Next time, we answer the question... what if we didn't bother with Congress at all, and went to Sector 31-47-89?

The second half of the book will bring us exciting new aggravations, insipid characters with uninspired writing, and the worst picture in the entire book.

Branch AZ: Unbridled Glee

Well, clearly we should wait and see what happens here. No sense in shooting, we might not hit Flppto.

Surprising no one, if we wait and see what causes the noise, it turns out to be nothing. This book is dynamic in a fashion guaranteed to punch you in the face no matter what happens. Speaking of being punched in the face, here are some inexplicable mutant horrors, because that's what Marine Biology is all about.




Oh boy. It's Flppto. Come to join us just in time to die. Good. And then suddenly, all this plot that was built up means nothing and another planet dies. We die, possibly. They don't die, probably. And none of this makes any damned sense at all.

Ending AZ:
Type: Failure/Death/What-The-Hell


Well. That was dumb. Why did they even bother with the mutant horrors. How did we even die? Whatever. Let's shoot and hope we hit Flppto this time.
Christmas has come early. We have waited for this moment all LP. We finally shot Flppto. This is amazing. Words cannot express how happy this makes me. Please draw your best "Commander Shooting Flppto" picture you can. I realize we haven't run across a good picture of Flppto yet (they're all in the other half of the book) but do it anyway.
We just shot Flppto. Hell yes. We have a couple options here. We could (BF) get Flppto a medical Evac, which is stupid, and I will hate you if you pick this, or (BG) apply a tourniquet to his neck and move onward, hoping our shoddy first aid gets him killed.

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 14
Non-Endings: BB BE
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AA AB AN AP AS BA BC BD
Death Endings: AA AB AP AS BA BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: AA AN BA BE

Branch AO: Friend or Foe

Pfft, we can handle this on our own, surely.


Well, we're definitely in the right place at least. It's got the voice of Tara, refusing surrender (instead of shooting someone, so she is wasting time). It has secret access corridors everywhere and not so many fish. But best yet, robots. It's got robots, but they're not colored in. Maybe you guys could color in this picture.




Here are those three sketchy marine biologists again. They are up to no good. They too are wasting time. And so are we, for just watching them and not shooting them. We're lame.





At last the Evil Power Master is revealed, and so is our location, because we are a big stupid idiot. Instead of killing us, we get to watch as our precious Lacoon system is destroyed. Why aren't they killing us, anyway? Dolts.

Ending AN:
Type: Failure/What-The-Hell



That didn't go so well. Looks like we ought to call Flppto.
Convinced we're too useless and pathetic to do this on our own, we have to summon Flppto to help us. The Commander has self-esteem issues, issues which can only be rectified through the magic of Thunderdome. Two man enter, one man leave. This book needs more Thunderdome, because it has none.

We, on the other hand, have another ridiculous decision. Do we (AZ) Shoot at what is probably Flppto (Oh please say yes) or do we (BA) Wait and See (and Die)?

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 13
Non-Endings: BB BE
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AA AB AN AP AS BC BD
Death Endings: AA AB AP AS BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: AA AN BE

Branch X: More Lying to Marine Biologists

Because this is clearly Knight Boat, we will be unstoppable if we use it to escape, until we get to land (when we will use a canal, fjord, or inlet to progress).


We escape from the Marine Biology Stronghold of Evil only to create a protracted siege situation later. The Evil Power Master escapes, and the Commander is an idiot. The book ends, nothing resolved.

Ending BB:
Type: Non-Ending

That blows. Let's hide under the dock instead.
We're captured. Everyone gives up because it turns out we were the only person with a spine in the entire star system (lotta invertebrate species here) and they have no will of their own. The Evil Power Master wins. We do not win because we are a skeleton. Skeletons are never winners.

We need a series of Public Service Announcement posters with pictures of skeletons with captions or people pointing at them announcing "You're no Winner!".

Ending BC:
Type: Failure/Death

Clearly sitting at the table while Marc goes and commits nefarious deeds of Marine Biology was a mistake. Smalltalk over coffee only leads to failure and death. Let's try to follow Mark, belatedly.
Clearly we forgot about the terror of the Marine Biology gang initiation rites. Strange things can happen at a Fish Institute, like fish swimming around. Doesn't get stranger than that. Maybe they're growing Metroid. Maybe they're trying to breed the Evil Power Master a Metroid large enough for him to wear as a hat.

Decision Time! Let's follow Marc (AN) or let's cry and weep and call Flppto for help because he's clearly more competent than we are (AO).

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 10
Non-Endings: BB BE
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AA AB AP AS BC BD
Death Endings: AA AB AP AS BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: AA BE