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Branch ???: The End of the Road

Well, it's been a long book. We've seen many ways to die and win. We've been humiliated, mocked, vaporized, and raped. Now, it's time to finish things. The previous branch was the last one. So let's see what kind of ending we get if we put Tonto in charge.







Damn you Flppto, you play too rough. Look what you did!






The Commander is just too dumb to die like he ought to. Maybe we'll get lucky and he will anyway. Chances are low.






You enter a longterm recovery program. Nevermind the fact that no one is paying attention to the Evil Power Master, they're too busy worrying over the Commander. I hope they all get vaporized into... vapor!

Ending AL:
Type: Non-Ending/What-The-Hell

Well, that was three solid pages of boring. Let's see if putting Flppto in charge (an awful idea) ends it on a better note.







We assign leadership to Flppto, because in our feverish state we're too busy having fever dreams to full realize what he did to us. Commander, now is not the time to put that guy in charge.






Flppto takes our position. He's taken everything from us, now our title. We sit in a hospital bed, unable to stop him or the Evil Power Master. That bites.

Ending AM:
Type: Non-Ending/What-The-Hell

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 30
Non-Endings:V AL AM AV AX AY BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AG AR AT AW
Failure Endings: P Q W AA AB AH AI AJ AN AP AS AY BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q W AA AB AH AI AJ AP AS BA BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: P V AA AG AL AM AN AX BA BE BG AJ AV


And with that, we've seen all 30 endings and have concluded the War With The Evil Power Master. 10 Endings that aren't. 6 measly victories. 18 ways to FAIL. 12 ways to die. And 13 endings that don't make any sense at all. I think that's about enough torment from this book.





Here are the idiots responsible for this travesty.



Next time on War With The Evil Power Master...



OH HELL NAW.

No, I don't think we'll be reading the prequel. We will, however, be going over some of the wonderful photoshopped entries we've received. I might make a video of it, so keep your eyes peeled. In the next couple of days, I'll also announce the winners, so stay tuned viewers!

Branch U: The Terrible Things Martians Do

When we last left off, we were about to go search for the Evil Power Master's jungle base.



I'm not exactly sure why Colin explaining his reasoning behind the base theory and hearing some maniacal gloating counts as the end.

Ending AX:
Type: Non-Ending/What-The-Hell

Well, that was no good. Let's leave this wretched planet and go to Follop.





Bird Apes destroy your ship, because that is how they roll (with their beaks).

Ending AY:
Type: Non-Ending/Failure

This is the price we pay for analyzing this tape: The planet kills us. So let's just head toward it without hesitation. Although...




Our escape vehicle explodes. Hard Man gets knocked around. The Commander is a mess. Flppto moves to help h-




NO FLPPTO THAT IS NOT HOW YOU HELP HUMANS YOU DO NOT HELP HUMANS BY FORCING THEIR STUNNED BODIES TO GIVE YOU FELLATIO! RAPE IS NOT THE ANSWER! FLPPPPPPPTOOOOOOOOOOOO!

We... um... the book has delivered us the final insult. It has taunted us and tormented us. Now? It has violated us. And we will never be the same.

You thought the Evil Power Master was bad, all this time? Well, we just got raped by Flppto. Now you realize why I was so enthusiastic about shooting him.






Blacking out is a natural reaction to martian rape. And we're unfit to lead. And injured. And violated. Oh... god.

Who do we put in charge now? Tonto (AL) or Flppto (AM)?
AS IF IT MATTERS. NOTHING MATTERS NOW.

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 28
Non-Endings:V AV AX AY BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AG AR AT AW
Failure Endings: P Q W AA AB AH AI AJ AN AP AS AY BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q W AA AB AH AI AJ AP AS BA BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: P V AA AG AN AX BA BE BG AJ AV

Branch AK: Jungle Base

You know what, most of you want to rush headlong into this. But I'd rather be paranoid awhile longer. Surely the book wouldn't punish me for that...



Oh come on. That bites. For our continued indecisiveness, we get lazered out of nowhere. We die. And the neighbors read our mail.

Ending AJ:
Type: Failure/Death/What-The-Hell

Wow. I'm excited about the prospect of not being murdered right out of nowhere in the next ending we get.





...I'm going to pretend I didn't see page 61 for a second.
In any event, we land in the jungle, leaving Hard Man behind. Vines grab us for no damn reason. And... and...



OH GOD NO

Umm... yeah. Bird Ape. I... I hate this book so much. I... argh.
Right. So as we left off we were saved out of freaking nowhere.





It's Colin. Oh joy. With ridiculous antique weapons. Like all good commanders, Colin is a failure and most of his party is dead.

Decision time. We can run through the damn jungle, looking for the Evil Power Master and getting murdered by vines and bird apes (AX), or we could leave this horrible place and go to Follop (AY).

But something tells me we're going to regret tomorrow's update. Or at least I am.


Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 26
Non-Endings:V AV BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AG AR AT AW
Failure Endings: P Q W AA AB AH AI AJ AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q W AA AB AH AI AJ AP AS BA BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: P V AA AG AN BA BE BG AJ AV

Branch T: Paranoia Storm

We can't trust this SOS apparently, so we're going to have a sit-down and analyze it.



There's the best face shots of Flppto and the droid in the entire book. And by best, I mean I wish they were both dead.
Before we can finish our analysis, the name of that one guy we know from that one time is added to the new message. I think the real question is, Do We Care?

Are we still going to act paranoid, thinking this is an Evil Power Master trick (Branch AJ), or are we actually going to act on this and try to help people (Branch AK)? Poor Colin, if only he knew the people pulling the strings behind our decisions, he wouldn't even bother with the SOS.

Branch J: Jungle Planet

Being a mass of uncaring jerks, we have elected to ignore the SOS, still. But somehow I figure this will come back to bite us in the nads anyway. Let's look for Survivors. If we find Richard Hatch, he dies first.


> Explore Ruins
You find a farmer.
> Talk Farmer
The farmer whines about how the Evil Power Master set them all on fire, is unstoppable, dapper in that hat.





> Return to Base
You return to your base. The Evil Power Master has left you a challenge in giant, capital letters so you know he sent it.
> Go to Stadium
You arrive at the stadium. It is full of aliens waiting eagerly to watch you get utterly stomped by the Evil Power Master.
> Why the hell did I agree to this challenge?
I have no idea.
> Enter Stadium.
You are in the center of the stadium. The crowd is cheering.
There is an Evil Power Master here.
> Fight Evil Power Master
The Evil Power Master laughs at you, makes you look like a chump in front of all these people, and runs away laughing. People begin to make fun of you and your mother. THE END.

Ending V:
Type: Non-Ending/Failure/What-The-Hell

...Wow. That didn't go so well. I'll never look for any survivors again, ever, in any context. Maybe that SOS won't get us so thoroughly embarrassed.





Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Okay we're going to the SOS now.





You land. You look around for the SOS. A giant monster eats you. Also, your parents never loved you.

Ending W:
Type: Failure/Death

Wow. I'll never ignore another SOS again. Because if I do, for even a second, apparently I will die, or worse. Let's go ahead and go to that SOS.




The damn book decides to rename the droid I've been calling Hard Man all this time. They call him Tonto because they are stupid and unfamiliar with how awesome Megaman 3 was. This book belongs in a fire.
We land on the jungle planet. We answer the SOS. And what does Flppto do? He starts getting paranoid, saying it could be a trap. Listen you Martian Jackass, in another branch you totally chewed us out for not answering an SOS. If you think you can get away with second guessing us now, I'm going to ram your stupid martian head into the fertile jungle ground and keep you freshly watered (after beating you to death) so that in 6 to 9 months I can grow a good crop of Jackass Plants.

If you would like us to (T) Listen To Flppto (who will die alone), state that you would. Alternately, you can tell us to (U) Investigate The SOS Right Now, Flppto be damned (he already is, and will burn in a lake of fire for all eternity).

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 25
Non-Endings:V AV BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AG AR AT AW
Failure Endings: P Q W AA AB AH AI AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q W AA AB AH AI AP AS BA BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: P V AA AG AN BA BE BG AV

Branch K: Destroyed City

Most of you voted to ignore the SOS. Good on you! I was sick of putting up with Flppto's wishes.
What's this? Flppto copping an attitude with us? We've dealt with Octopi before, we don't need to put up with his crap. He can take his official protest and cram it up his martian butt because when this is all over I'm going to bust that stupid punk back down to private. He'll be doing latrine duty for weeks. No one messes with the Commander in the middle of a wartime battle situation.





Maybe the authors home was in this city. That'd be nice.




Well, Flppto has gone all emo on us, and the city of Follop is dead and destroyed. Was it their natural enemies? Was it the Evil Power Master? But more importantly...

...Do we give a damn? Should we go outside and check (V), or leave any survivors to their own devices and go back to that damn SOS we're already in trouble for ignoring (W), or would be if we weren't going to murder Flppto and change the record to remove all hints of any wrongdoing on our part. Damn Mouthy Martian.

Branch E: Follop

Well, we're surrounded by spaceships. I now know what I must do.




Well. It looks like because we milled around for three hours, we gave the Evil Power Master ample time to escape and mobilize a fleet of starships to murder us with. Oh sure, we're prepping weapons and everything, but naturally we stop to listen to Rendoxoll, who has Failed. Nothing defeats Magic. This means we become space vapor. Maybe Rendoxoll escaped? Who cares... we died!

Ending AH:
Type: Failure/Death

Well that wasn't so good. Let's not arm weapons. Surely we won't die right away.





I was right, we won't die right away. First we will starve to death. It's the Evil Power Master's trophy collection. We're his latest prize. Also, Rendoxoll is dead and the Evil Power Master can turn into acrid green smoke. Note that, because it might be important? No. No it is not.

Ending AI:
Type: Failure/Death

You know what? This sector bites. Clearly investigating here is a death sentence, even though we succeeded a couple times. Let's go investigate Follop instead, the last quarter of the book.




Follop is their excuse to turn this book into dangerous space adventure journey. We will be accosted by monsters, space rocks, and dangerous martians. The Commander's cousin Colin is here somewhere, and he's just as dumb as the Commander, so let's not find him. We must make careful decisions!

Like this SOS for example: Do we (T) Attempt to Aid the Sender of the SOS, or (U) Leave them to their Grizzly Demise and investigate the light beam instead? Remember, there are no wrong answers, only answers that result in incredible wrongness that makes you rue the day. And in this last quarter of the book, things get very, very wrong.

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 23
Non-Endings: AV BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AG AR AT AW
Failure Endings: P Q AA AB AH AI AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q AA AB AH AI AP AS BA BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: P AA AG AN BA BE BG AV

Branch S: Spacecraft Swarm

Alright folks, I hope you're prepared for this one. It's going to get messy. When we last left off, we had a choice between weapons or no weapons. Because it is my nature, we will charge in there, guns blazing.




Oh, who am I kidding. Every time we come up with a good idea, the book defeats us with some form of stupidity. This is like playing a game of D&D with a DM who breaks all the game rules in the interest of weaving a complicated narrative ripped straight from his bad Sailor Moon fanfiction.



Rendoxoll joins the party! Game over.



Ending AV:
Type: Non-Ending/What-The-Hell

Well. Let's not do that. Clearly, it's just Rendoxoll, so if we decide not to be armed, it will still be Rendoxoll, right? Well, this book doesn't feel compelled to use logic, but we'll try it anyway.






Thankfully (???), it's just Rendoxoll. Here's an entire page about how awesome Rendoxoll is supposed to be, and how the Commander has pictures of Rendoxoll all over his bedroom. What it fails to mention is that Rendoxoll really hid because he was tired of the Commander stalking him and exposing himself. Brilliant AI Robot didn't need to see that, Commander.





Hahaha, wow. Look at that grin. What a jerk. Not only is he better than us at, well, everything, but he's snide about it too. Wearing these novelty eyeglasses that look like giant letters reading "Checkpoint Reached", we're sure to find the Evil Power Master in this crowd, and look like idiots. Novelty eyeglasses for everybody!





"NO!", shouts the Evil Power Master, as several droids hold hands and encircle him in a peace ring or hug or some other touchy-feely crap. The electro-hug defeats the unstoppable evil of the Power Master, and you throw him into zero gravity, hoping that will hold him.



Ending AW:
Type: Victory

Well folks, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that we caught the Evil Power Master again. The bad news is that was the last victory ending in the whole book, and we still have 9 endings left to go.
Let the good times roll! Landing was stupid. Landing made us see Rendoxoll. We're gonna reconnoiter instead.




You float around the dumb spaceship for three hours, giving the inhabitants plenty of time to scramble a swarm of spacecraft to encircle us, and laugh at us, and make fun of the Commander (and his Mother).

Now we're talkin! We can (AH) Shoot Everybody, or (AI) Don't Shoot Everybody. Don't pick AI, because I hated that movie.

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 21
Non-Endings: AV BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AG AR AT AW
Failure Endings: P Q AA AB AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q AA AB AP AS BA BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: P AA AG AN BA BE BG AV

Branch AF: Good Riddance to Hard Man

When we last left off, we were about to fly into a bright white light. Suddenly, we are struck with our usual amount of cowardice, and attempt to run for it.

Oh boy. We got hit with a Slow Ray/Tractor Beam/Wilford Brimley. Just what we needed. We're not getting enough Oxygen to begin with, making us stupid, and now they're going to lower that, making us even dumber than before.
Meet Rendoxoll, another companion from the Purple Days War. Rendoxoll is a highly intelligent AI in this story. As such, he will be dumb as toast, because he is in this book. He fires slow rays at people and giggles to himself for fun.



Unfortunately, he's still way more competent than we are. He caught the Evil Power Master, and stole his Evil Power Hat. Now he just looks silly. Rendoxoll makes us look like an idiot, but hey, if the shoe fits.

Ending AG:
Type: Victory/What-The-Hell


Well, if we run like cowards, we get a good ending (there's only one left in the book now). But maybe if we press bravely forward, we will find other rewards!



I wonder what system he's talking about, the fate of which is in our hands; I would guess the Dewey Decimal System.
Meanwhile, Hard Man goes maverick and dashes away from the capsule as if he knows exactly what's going on. Stupid robot. There's no accounting for his incredibly stupid behavior over the course of the book and frankly I'm glad we're rid of him.

The mystery continues! We're going outside to investigate, With Weapons (AV) or Without (AW)!

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 19
Non-Endings: BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AG AR AT
Failure Endings: P Q AA AB AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q AA AB AP AS BA BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: P AA AG AN BA BE BG

Branch R: White Landing

Sure, let's land on an unknown Death Star looking thing. Why not.

Let's land in a potentially dangerous spaceship... oh no! There's white light in there! I'm scared of the white light! Weep weep cry cry!

I hate Flppto so much. And the Commander. Well, here's yet another choice. Do we (AF) Land in a white lighted hangar, perhaps lit with florescent lights, or do we (AG) run away because we are scared? At least Hard Man isn't crying like an idiot.

Branch I: Total Lack of Nuclear Devastation

Well, everyone wants to join the Evil Power Master. Not like we have a whole lotta choice here.


What then, Commander? I'll tell you what: We'll transport you into a glass bubble, where you'll find out I'm 3 people with confused expressions, and you will get to stay in the bubble, where we will take over the universe, and play Canasta, for all eternity.

Ending P:
Type: Failure/What-The-Hell

Hmm. That's not so good. I'm terrible at Canasta, I don't even know the rules or correct spelling. Let's defy him.




This surprises no one. And he's right, we're idiots.

Ending Q:
Type: Failure/Death

As much as we wanted to split up with Flppto, that never actually happened. His idea was terrible. Photoshop Flppto getting mauled by bears. Let's override his stupidity and do things our way.




Whoa whoa whoa, whoa... hold up. You mean to tell me the Rapid Force has nuclear devastators and you're leaving them behind? We deserve nothing but failure for this. I mean, we're not even gonna be on our own planet. Why Shouldn't we nuclear devastate the Evil Power Master?


Oh joy... a Death Star. Maybe we could Nuclear Devastate that? Maybe we could turn around, go get the devastators, and then devastate. I'm still angry about leaving those. And these losers want to mill around or land? Forget that. Space is a lawless frontier with inexplicable phenomenon and uncertain motives, where the only true answer to any given problem is Nuclear Devastation. This is a load of poo.

We have two utterly lame choices: Branch R will have us land on the Death Star. Branch S will have us meander around looking at stuff. Neither will initiate nuclear devastation or get Flppto and the droid murdered. This bites.


Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 18
Non-Endings: BB BE BF BG
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: P Q AA AB AN AP AS BA BC BD BF BG
Death Endings: Q AA AB AP AS BA BC BD
What-The-Hell Endings: P AA AN BA BE BG

Branch H: A Dire Choice

This is it folks, the long awaited pictures of Flppto. There he is, the guy in the upper left. What a loser. He wields the power of Gangly. And his amazing plan is to have us fly through space, in a cold vacuum, following Hard Man. Worse, we're actually going to go through with this plan?
We are going to Die.




Yeah. I called that one. Follow this stupid plan, get attacked by Light. A beam of Light. Photon Cannon or some jazz like that. The good news is that Hard Man and Flppto are going to die. The bad news is that we might, too.

A dire choice is proposed! Do we (Branch P) concede defeat and join the Evil Power Master as a lackey, or (Branch Q) refuse his offer, and surely die?

Branch D: Tracking the Void Beam

That's a lie. That's a terrible spaceship, a terrible droid, and worse, a terrible Martian. They're going to shoot us into the empty space of a void. Is anyone else getting worried?




Martians are like vulcans I guess, except they're impulsive and useless morons (much like the Commander). Flppto is actually recommending we split up. This is a pretty good idea, because it means we'll have less Flppto to deal with. On the other hand, we could override his suggestion and maybe make him unhappy. That's also a pretty good idea. This is a win-win scenario! Well, it would be, except I doubt there are any victory endings at the end of either path.

Do we (H) Leave Flppto to his own devices and split up or (I) make Flppto continue to suffer our company?

Keep in mind that Android Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.

Branch B: Thoughtless Speed

Travel by speed of thought, from point A to point B, for the Commander and Flppto takes 27 minutes. I just want you to think about that for a minute. Speed of thought for most people is pretty fast. If we could think ourselves to another location, it'd be pretty snappy. But it takes these idiots 27 minutes. Therein lies our problem. Also, the Commander can't even do it right without breaking something. He probably connected his spleen to his throat. It's a wonder the fool is even still alive.



Faaantastic. The last time we followed a beam of light anywhere, it turned out to be an Old-Beam that kills us instantly. How about you go first, Sartan.

Sadly enough, we have to venture to (D) The Void or Niro, or (E) Follop. Choose wisely, as each of these branches takes up an entire quarter of the book. We're gonna be there a while before we get to the other one. And maybe this time the places won't kill us instantly.